Who Am I?

Lately, there have been quite a few things rolling around in my head. I've only told a select few people about most of them, but there's one that has been on my mind constantly for several months now. 

Relationships. 

I'm not just talking about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. I'm talking about all relationships. 

Dictionary definition, a relationship is "an emotional or other connection between people"

I don't know about everyone else, but I know for a fact that I have an emotional connection with several people. For me, though, connecting with people is easy. I'm a "people person," and have no problem striking up a conversation to get to know someone. In fact, meeting new people is one of my favorite things in the whole world. I'm so grateful that I have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life; people I can be silly with one day and have a heart-to-heart about what's on our minds the next day. I can't begin to accurately describe these friendships to anyone, because an outside source just wouldn't understand. That's what relationships are about: having a connection that no one else understands. 

And when I think about the future, I can only imagine how amazing a marriage will be. I look at my parents, who have been married for 36 years, and I see that they care about each other. I see that they love each other. I see that they would be lost without each other. But I can't begin to understand the inside of their relationship, nor do I want to because that is their relationship. A relationship of any sort can only be between two people. 

I've been single for about 8 months now, which is a change for me. After my relationship of 2 years ended, I was afraid didn't know how to be alone, and I dealt with that fear of the unknown in ways that I choose not to discuss. I don't forget them, though, because that part of my life has played a large part in who I am today, and who I continuously strive to be.

In high school, I would change my "likes" or "dislikes" to impress the guy I currently had a crush on. I would pretend to like things because he liked those things, and it would give us a conversation starter. I realized, though, that because of this: I had no idea who I was. What an incredibly terrifying thought. "I am Whitney Stoolman." That's all I knew. 

And then one day, it all changed. 

Yeah, right. If only it were that easy. It took time and a whole lot of prayer, and here's the kicker: I'm still not 100% sure. For example, I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing after I graduate college. Actually, I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing after class tomorrow. But the difference between then and now, is that I'm okay with it. I'm okay with not knowing what God has in store for me. I'm okay with not knowing where life will take me next. And the reason I'm okay with it, is because of Him. He knows, so why should I worry? 

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you." ~Psalm 55:23 

A wise man once told me: "It doesn't matter who you are, it only matters whose you are." 

And one day, it all became clear. 

I am a child of God. 

I told myself that I would no longer change for the guy I saw in Science class who I thought was cute. I would no longer change for the handsome man in my Public Relations class. I will only change for Him. 

I can say with 100% honesty that I have never been happier in my entire life. I love every single minute of every single day that I live, because I am living for the King. And this made me think: If I'm this happy now, imagine how happy I'll be when I've found the right man and am happily married. 

I thought about that, and prayed about how I can't wait for that day to come, when I reach my full happiness. And then, like clockwork, a friend showed me this. 

[refuse to wait]

I am not waiting, I am living. I am chasing after God, and if there is a man who can keep up with me in this chase, I'll marry him. And I can only hope that he yearns for A Crucifixion Type Love. (<--watch this. Seriously.) 

"The kind of love that covers the wounds that were dug deep by the knives of infidelity and insecurity."